Fall Forgiveness

I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately.  This is something that is not easy for many people, and can even make them angry to consider.  I guess this post is a call-back to last week, and our tendency to fear.  Forgiveness can help with fear, in my experience.

There was an article in the newspaper about two police officers who had been shot in the face at close range by a psychotic teen.  Horrible.  They lived and are back working in the force, but are not the same.  One in particular said he now knows that no-one can be trusted.  The other day the paper also related the story of some men who went into a Culver's openly carrying their handguns (which is legal).  Patrons became nervous, police were called, and eventually the men were fined for disturbing the peace.  When interviewed, they said that you never know when someone is going to beat your head in, so you should be prepared. 

(I generally refuse to read much of the paper, not surprisingly.)

This week a number of friends were relaying their dismay and anger regarding incidents that for them recalled past harms they had experienced, even though the new incidents didn't touch them directly.  Totally human response.  I know that there are certain things that will clearly, if briefly, send me mentally back to past fears and hurts as if I'm experiencing them all over again, with the same dangers and threats.  There is little worse than thinking you are over something and then finding that some minor incident throws you right back into your previous state of mind.  I've worked for many years to overcome specific traumas, fears, and worries.  It is a practice, like meditation.  Never quite achieve perfection, but gets a little better each time I succeed.

For me, forgiveness was and is key.  Now, my husband and I disagree on this point.  He feels that some things and people should not be forgiven, and that you can move on with your life without forgiving.  I disagree.  I understand what he is saying, and intellectually it even makes some sense.  But, for me, I was never able to move on until I forgave.

I believe that letting go and forgiveness go hand in hand.  I'm not excusing what has happened, not condoning evil or harm, not saying, "Hey, that's fine and dandy!"  I'm removing my attachment and feelings toward that act or person, and releasing the tie that binds me to the ill.

My good buddy the Dalia Lama has much to say on this, and I'm right there with him.  http://www.emotionalawareness.net/transcript.html

The funny thing about forgiveness in my experience, is that you have to forgive twofold.  First, you forgive the person or act or whatever it is that caused you harm.  Second, you forgive yourself for being there to be hurt, allowing yourself to be hurt, not doing something sooner, not doing anything at all, not being better, not being smarter, etc.  That's the toughie.   It doesn't help that many ignorant people say things like, "I'd never put up with that," or "I'd never let that happen to me."  Gee, thanks.  Guess I'm just stupid. (expletives come to mind)

Wow.  Forgiving myself is not easy.  I'm intelligent, educated, blah blah blah.  How could I let myself get into that situation?  Why didn't I see sooner?  Here come the accusatory questions again.  Breathe.  We are all human and we do the best that we can.  We have reasons and motives that keep us doing what we're doing, cause us to choose the friends and associates we have, lead us to decisions made.  Bottom line...it's OK. 

Forgiveness feels really good to the forgiver.  To heck with the forgivee.  Once I've forgiven someone, they usually are essentially a blank to me.  The negative feelings go away, the triggers go away, the hot buttons go away, and I don't have to live in fear of being struck from behind by a memory.  To me that's peace, and worth every penny.